Dear Non-Pregnant Person, I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions withpregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physicalharm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you shouldprobably read this twice. 1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having ababy is "Congratulations!" with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you an a$$. 2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are madeONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase "my baby". 3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in ..2, thepregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You donot have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it. 4) The body of a pregnant women should be treated the same as any otherbody. You would not randomly touch someone's stomach if they were notpregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus,cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove alltraces of privacy from a woman. 5) Likewise, no women wants to hear comments on her weight- ever. Apregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is aboutis pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in herface. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she issomehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is "You look fabulous!". 6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on thefact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are notpregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes. 7) There is a reason that tickets to L&D are not yet sold onTicketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, mother in law, or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some peoplesimply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotionalmoment to be shared only by the parents. 8) Like everything else is life, unless you receive an invitation, youare NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor,delivery, the hospital and the parents home. You do not decide if youwill be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to"help out". If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will beasked for it. 9) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you shouldclean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeedingand sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid frommultiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping. 10) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents.Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are are being given theprivilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment onlyencourages the parents to include you less.