Friday, September 01, 2006
So I have been reading a book about marriage lately and I have really learned a lot from it already! It's called The Four Seasons of Marriage by Gary Chapman. He's the guy who wrote the love languages book and I actually like this one better so far. It's a little harder to get through, but i've taken several pages of notes already! In my studies of marriage in the bible, biblical principles and especially this book I'm learning that just because my parent's marriage failed, does not mean mine has to. It's true that my example of a Godly marriage was flawed, but everyones is. I'm learning that when I see something wrong and Gary doesn't, that still means I need to do the work necessary to be the best wife I can be. Right now that means identifying where I've failed Gary as a wife, confessing those things to him, and allowing him to really forgive me and move on. I don't have to live in guilt nor does he want me to. And vice versa. I need to really forgive Gary and move on. One thing I don't do well is start fresh every day. Here are some quotes I wrote down.
Winter season- "What brings a marriage here? Rigidity- the unwillingness to consider the other person's perspective and to work toward meaningful compromise." This season comes not because of what happens in life, but 'by the manner in which a couple responds to those difficulties.' I'm going to work hard to stay out of this season!
Fall- It takes both partners to move from fall into spring (the season of growth and hope). It takes only one to get it into winter. I've got to be strong and do the work so that I don't pull Gary down with me.
One strategy he discusses involves forgivness- "remember, forgivenes is not a feeling. It is a decision to lift the penalty for past failures and declare the spouce pardoned. Forgiveness does not mean that you will never think of the event again, nor does it mean that you will never feel the pain that accompaines the memory. Forgivness does mean that you will no longer hold that failure or hurt against your spouse." What if your partner won't forgive you? You forgive them anway- for every single thing they have done. "Following Biblical strategies is the most powerful way to influence a nonparticipating spouse."
"The goal of marriage is that husbands and wives voluntarily serve each other, helping each other reach thier potential for God and promoting good in the world."
Some good stuff huh? The best part is, Gary and I are in a place where we can talk about these things and I WANT to forgive him. I WANT him to reach his potential and I WANT to do all the work we need to on our marriage even with everything else going on in our lives. I DON"T WANT to wait until our kids are grown and out of the house to turn to Gary and realize I don't even know him. I don't strive for these things because of my fear we will end up like my parents, it's because of the Hope I have and the knowledge that we CHOOSE TOGETHER a different path.
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